“Guard my tongue”

So I told us that we have to keep a journal of our process I’ve always written things down but I’ve never really kept a “journal”. I decided that the best way to do this, for me that is, is to just put it here on my block share it and let others comment and give me advice as well.

I woke up this morning to a downpour of rain I was kind of surprised because it had not been raining before I went to bed but the ground was totally saturated I’m saying this because normally I like to go out in the backyard facing the woods and saying my morning prayers. That was not possible today due to the rain and the saturation of the grass.

I sat at the dining room table which faces the wooded area in the backyard and send my morning prayers it was okay but not quite the same as I was praying this morning I realize that many of my prayers express things that are often in my heart at the time. One of the prayers is called Shemonen Esrei, also known as “Amidah”. This wonderful prayer is known as the “service of the heat”. This prayer has many movements in it, at least to me anyway. I’m often transported from my body to a much lighter state and I feel s if my heart will bust by the time I reach the end. I’ve often cried when reciting this prayer.

One of the last prayers is the Elohal. In this prayer we ask that our tongue be guarded from evil ( it is one if my favorite prayers. I remember as a child my gran saying to me that if I master the are of speaking only things that are kind I would find great peace in my life. I’ve often wondered how to do this? My husband has, in my opinion, mastered it. He says if there is something tire but unkind, don’t speak it. And if you do only speak it in private to the person and only if you think the person will accept it and it will effect change.

Last night my husband reviled to me that he has been unhappy in our marriage for sometime now. I did not know how to respond to his confession. As we continued to talk, he told me it all had to do with my attitude and the things that I say when I’m upset. He accepts that he is the cause of my feelings, but how I have choice to deal with it is a cause of great discomfort to him. He said it is my words that has caused this feeling in him. This morning my mind was transported back to that conversation we had and as I said the prayer I included that I may never speak words of hurt again.

I find that our lessons in life can come from strange places but if we are willing to listen we can learn and grow pass them. I thanked my husband for being willing to tell me about myself and asked for his forgiveness.

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