Post pack out and PCSing

This might only be understood by those who left Christianity. In the morning, I had a routine of worship. I would wake and turn on some worshipful music and pray. As a Jew, I pray, albeit different, and often with less joy. (Truth can be hard to admit).
Over the pass few years I’ve tried to find Jewish music that had the worshipful connections to it. I found maybe one or two songs that I really connect with.  It is not to say that there aren’t songs within the Jewish genre, it is just that I have not found them.  

When ever I try to find something familiar, I often stop myself from singing it because it contains verses that I no longer hold to be true.  We are in the mist of our PCS move out and the house is pretty empty house and quite.  There are no chairs to sit on or tables to work from.  I find reading hard because I am always laying on the floor, which is super hard, or I am standing and holding the book.  I can;t really study like I would would like right now.  Music seems to be my only true outlet and I don’t have it to calm my soul.  

I often feel my mind is going a hundred miles an hour and there are no breaks to slow me down.  I’ve been thinking about spending my days at the book store.  At least there I would have a chair, a table, and some good coffee…..hahaha

We are living out of our suitcases.  Some have asked why did we ship our HHG so soon, well, I figured we could be comfortable here or there.  I wanted to ship them so that we will not have to wait months once we are there to get back to “normal” life, what ever “normal” is for an Armywife.  

One should have Peace with every situation……

HASHEM is my shepherd, I shall not lack. In lush meadows He lays me down, beside the tranquil waters He leads me. Psalms 23:1-2
This psalms of David’s has kindled a spark of hop in countless human hearts throughout the ages. David teaches us how to accept the “unacceptable” situations. There are times when we must struggle mightily against adversity and carry on the battle even agains superior forces. But……there is also time for surrender, a time to realize that the fight is futile and that we must accept our lot in life, however disappointing it may be.  
Over the years there have been many people come and go in my life. After all, that is life, right? I’ve had to stay good bye to so many people that I love and care for. I’ve been thinking a lot about my mom lately and I just needed to share with you all what is in my heart. My mother was a kind gentle woman, that is, until you did something to one of her kids. Well, I’m not sure I was loved as my brothers and sister was. You see, when my mom died she told my grandmother to take care of her kids, she named each of them one by one. I was not one of them. I asked my grandmother why didn’t my mother name me? Her answer to me was she just forgot…..how does a mother “just forget” one of her own kids.  
I’ve been looking, all my life for someone to replace to “love” that mother gives to her children. When is it ok to “accept” that which you can not change? And more to the point, how do you accept it?

Mikvah……4 days and a wake-up

This week I’ve had lots of emotions.  Some good, some of great joy, and some of anxiety.  My Mikvah date is almost here.  I’ve waited 3 years for this day.  You would think that tonight as I write this I would be overly happy.  Instead, I am filled with a feeling of unworthiness.  How can some one like be be a part of the “chosen”?  I am so thankful that HaShem has looked upon me, and said, YES.  *eyes filling with tears*

There are all kinds of people in the world.  Those who love HaShem, those who don’t know Him, and those that just don’t care one way or the other.  I’ve seen many kinds of Jews and wondered how could it be possible that we are all one, yet different?  There are many Sages I can turn to for understanding in this matter but the one that resonates with me the most is RamBam.  I once read “it is natural for a man’s character and actions to be influenced by his friends and associates and for him to follow the local norms of behavior.  Therefore, he should associate with the righteous and be constantly in the complain of the wise, so as to learn from their deeds.  Conversely, he should keep away from the wicked who walk in darkness, so as not to learn from their deeds”.  Mishneh Torah Chp 6

In my youth, I did not heed such advice and found myself in my situation that were preventable.  It’s strange sometimes to think how it takes us, humans, to understand such simple lessons only after we fall.  I am happy to say that on Sunday I will be born and all that will be no more.  I will have a new name and a new outlook on what is right, good, and true.  There are many things one can say about conversion, but no one can ever tell me that I’ve made the wrong choice.  Life as an Orthodox Jew is not going to be easy, but when has anything rewarding ever been easy.  

Yes, tonight, I am super happy and thankful.  I will remember this entire week my whole life.  

Explanations needed here……

Studying is a big part of my life.  I love and enjoy reading the entire Tanach (Bible).  There is no greater joy for me in life.  Over Shabbat I read Yechezel (Ezekiel) 43.  In this chapter, Yexhezel is sharing his conversation and vision that was give him.  

Although my questions will be out of order according to the way it is written I hope you are able to follow.  Most of my question is in regards to the commentary that follows this chapter.  The commentary is very important to me.  It helps me gain a deeper understand of what the passage is really talking about and the lesson it is teaching.  

According to verse 10 when Yechezkel is told to tell Israel about the Temple, he is told that the the people must be ashamed of this sins….and if they are ashamed of all that they have done, then make known to them the form of the Temple and its design….

The commentary explains verses 10 and 11 in the following way: 

1. There seems to be a line or verse added to the end of verse 11 in the commentary.  It says at the end of the part that speaks about the people being ashamed-at the revivification of the dead. Accordingly, this passage is a guarantee that the revivification of the dead will take place.  

• I can not find no such verse in the passage.  Neither in the English or the Hebrew. Radak explanation does not follow the passage.  But Metzudos seems to have a better explanation of it.  

How is one to truly understand when there are so many varying opinions on the same topic?